I'm Too Pretty to Sweat

For those of you who have been entertained by my musings and dating mishaps over the years this is one is for you.

I will officially be shifting my blog from random capricious posts to stories that are in their truest form and based off of my dating life. That’s right ladies, it’s time to w(h)ine it up and read on! The posts that follow will be written ultimately to entertain, warn and provide clear evidence to the single gal about who to avoid, or shall we say ‘what not to date.’ While I am no master of the dating art, I have had my fair share of tears, many gasps, and a ridiculous portion of sighs (of relief) over the years as I dated one wart-ridden frog after the other. Most often, I’d be left standing all amiss uttering, “Thank you Lord that once again I am alone!”

Many people may find that hard to believe – I mean, who in their right mind wants to go in and out of life alone? Uh, no one. However, I am of a different breed and in order to determine the basis of that, you’ll just have to buy my first published book. Simply put, I was in a crazy long relationship at a young age and when I walked away from the debris of that train wreck I thought, “From here on out I will date every personality, every height, every decent and kind-hearted man, and there will be no discriminating until I find myself a good egg. One that I can confidently parade in front of my family and say, Lookie, lookie, I found HIM.” I didn’t actually say that – well not out loud.  

Here’s the catch:

Out of this lot of men, one found  me. He’s a real keeper. It’s hard to believe some days but one of these men pulled a game-changer on me and I am still trying catch my breath. So sit back; revel in my mistakes and misses, and best of luck trying to figure out which one stuck. From here on out this blog is officially changing its tune.

Its true isn’t it? We all have quirks, traits, those little or large (depending on who you ask in your inner circle) nuances about us. If only we could be fully aware of our pitfalls. Or, if only it were simple enough to discover our areas of weakness and then with the snap our fingers simply and quickly become more …normal.

How I wish it were so.

It really is comical how we determine certain things about ourselves and for a few days or even weeks you might be emphatic about nipping it in the bud, but then when it surfaces again you’re stunned, shocked even, to discover that you of all people have a quirk. You’re all, whoa! That came outta nowhere!

Did it though? Did it really creep up on you and surprise you? Or have you, (like me) caught onto it once or twice that you have something about you that isn’t so becoming to those around you. It may even come across as —- annoying.

Join the club. We all have them. I can admit it. I have one. Only one. (Wink). It is by far one of my least favorite traits about myself. For some reason I feel this strong and incessant need to be transparent about it so I’m going to reveal it. I’m going to get it off my chest and then maybe, just maybe, the next time it surfaces I won’t be so deer-in-the-headlights about it. I mean, I figure if I tell you, than you can harass (i.e. encourage me) to never, ever, everrrr do it again.

Here goes. Brace yourself.

I am incredibly indecisive.

Can you believe it? The remarkable thing is, it’s not so much when it comes to the big things, or the more serious life altering choices. Instead it seems to rear its ugly head when it comes to the small daily decisions. A.k.a, the ones that don’t matter!

Here’s a small example. I am a frequent visitor of Starbucks. (Dear Dad, I really hope you’re not reading this. In case you are, yes, I’ve cut down on my excursions there and yes, I agree that it is an nonsensically expensive habit). 

Am I aware that I may as well run into the bathroom and flush my hard earned money down the drain? Yes. Will a lecture on how much I may be spending a year in lattes kill my desire to go there? No, I’m sorry to report that it won’t. It’s my weakness, my love, and the one thing I enjoy more than a lot of other things — drinking my calories. Mmmmmmm.  

Point is. I frequent Starbucks enough that it should never take me more than 5 seconds flat to order. I wouldn’t say I am picky or high-maintenance, it’s just that I know what I like. So why then do I walk up to the count regularly and stand there debating and prolonging the inevitable outcome of the order? I only order one drink!!! Seriously, I almost never stray from the usual. If we were putting it into percentages…it’s possible that 98.6 percent of the time (out of 100, duh!) I will order the same exact thing and yet this is how the blessed event goes down:

Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks! What can I get you today?”

Me: “O boy. Hmmm…well…I think today I’ll get….let me see…wow, there are a lot of choices.”

Barista: (thinking silently), “You’ve gotta be kidding me! You always order the same thing!”

Me: “Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.”

Barista: (gritting his teeth), “It’s okay, take your time, there’s no rush.”

Me: (I turn and glance behind me to see the rapidly growing and increasingly unnerved crowd gathering behind me), that’s all it takes. Then like rapid fire in pure confidence I let ‘er rip- “I’ve got it. I’ll have a Grande, non-fat, no-whip, one and a half shots of espresso, white chocolate mocha.” BAM!

Are you keeping pace with me? I mean does that make any sense? No. No it doesn’t. You know what though? I do it almost regularly. Similar to the last time I got a pedicure. There’s nothing more annoying than going and PAYING to have your nails done only to rush home and scrub it all off as fast and as hard as you can. I mean, what was I supposed to say to the nail technician? ‘Aaaaaaaaack! That’s the most wretched color I’ve ever seen!! I mean I realize it took me half an hour to choose between those two colors. The deep berry and shimmering brownish fall-type-of-color, but um yah, that’s why I asked for your opinion! How could you lead me astray??’ In the realm of polite normalcy you just don’t do that but I wanted to! So badly. I had this overwhelming urge to say, ‘Look dude, I’d been vacillating back and forth, back and forth, circling the nail polish stand for what seemed like weeks and you voted for this one but here’s the thing…this color LOOKS HIDEIOUS!! Can we start fresh?’

Instead I sat on my hands to hide the scare factor for anyone who might’ve spotted them and was disturbed during the entirety of that endless and overwhelming (7 minute) drive home. I barely parked, neh yanked my e-brake, only to run through the door, straight for the bathroom and into the cabinet to the only thing that could save me. Nail polish remover. Where’s the nail polish remover???? I’ll eat this stuff off if I have too!  

Did I also mention I have a very poor memory?

Case in point. I just made a trip to Wal-mart last week! How could this be??? It then occurred to me that a few days before when I debated about whether or not to continue to annoyingly chomp on my gum or spit it out…I went with thrusting my hand into my bag and jamming the flavorless-chewed-up gum into a teensy piece of paper. The paper of course that listed out what I need to go to the store for.

Go to store for:

1.       Freezer bags

2.       Toothpaste

3.       Envelopes

4.       NAIL POLISH REMOVER!!!!

I got everything on the list that day, aside from the last item. I really couldn’t have anticipated how much I’d end up needing that acetone + cuticle softener. 

What a relief that God isn’t finished with me yet. WHEW. Otherwise, I’d never get invited for a cup of coffee!

Did you hear? I turned twenty-seven last week. Woo-hoo!! I don’t want to boast about it or anything but I actually awoke in the middle of the night (around 3 a.m.) on my birthday and as I sat up in bed I was smacked in the face with an extra dose of good judgment. I swear! I am already wiser…want some hard evidence?

I read an article not too long ago about how to effectively save money in unexpected places. I’m not making this up, it was actually entitled ‘How to Save in Unexpected Places.’ I was of course ALL over this because I’ve surprisingly morphed into someone I don’t recognize. Gone are the days of spending all my hard earned cash on clothes, girls’ night out, oodles of gracious gifts for friends and strangers alike, or anything else that nudges me on a whim. Not anymore. Long gone are those day. I am reformed.

If I do happen to have a minor slip-up and need to be brought back to earth and reality, it really takes only one thing: viewing an episode of Glenn Beck on Fox News. (I’m sorry if you’re not a fan, I am, so let’s still be friends). Anyway he’s fantastic and is such a great source of ‘facts’ vs. spoon-fed news fluff and every time I watch him, I feel as if my own Dad is taking a highlighter to my Checking account statement…eek. Talk about nerve-wracking.

Like I said though, I am a new person. One who’s transformed and has sprouted all kinds of new traits, i.e. responsibility/future planning. There’s no more ‘la dee da-ing’ up in here! Instead of being one of the young and restless I have chosen the path of…wait for it…..actually SAVING money!! I know, I know, it’s a crazy concept and one that still prickles my skin a little. I mean not that I need anything, on the contrary, but boy O boy would I love a luscious pair of cozy new UGG boots. Yes, we are all aware that ‘UGG’ stands for “ugly,” but have you ever tried them on? Have you? They’re by far THE epitome of cozy, cuddly and able-to-ward-off-any-chill in mere seconds! I swear dear friends; you’ll want to snatch a pair of those right up! If you don’t want to blow close to 200 bucks on the real ones then may I recommend that you head on over to Rice’s flea market. At Rice’s, you can purchase China’s version of the UGG boots for a fraction of the warmth and price!

Case in point, I’ve begun to transition into a responsible adult who no longer yearns for petty materialistic items (just don’t catch me on a Wednesday – I still find myself a tad susceptible come mid-week). Here’s the thing though, the article didn’t emphasize talking points, how to position the conversation and so forth. It was because of their lack of details and approach that I was totally swindled when I put this plan into action. The article listed out the types of companies that you should call to drone on and on to them about how you’re such a loyal customer, how you truly believe their company is one of a kind, all the while casually aiming for the real heart of the matter, the closing argument. It is during the closing argument where you give it to them straight: you want the same services for a much, much lower price point.  

So I did. I made a list of monthly expenditures that I’d like to see decreased and off I went! Of course I began with my monthly cable bill. Now let’s nip this in the bud, I don’t really watch that much TV. I’m not one of those people who says they don’t but in actuality spend hours on end perched at the edge of the couch shoving bon-bons in their mouth. Not my style. In fact, I even went so far as to purchase a DVR so that I can pay to back up all the shows that I’d be missing out on as I drift throughout my so-called life.

Fast forward to the call with the cable company. Wouldn’t you know, they were more than happy to oblige! In fact, the customer service representative was almost jovial about it. (Looking back now that should’ve struck me as odd). Mr. Jovial Rep went on and on about how I’m a long-time customer…and they want to see me happy, fulfilled and successful, and about how I’ve been with them since all the way back to the beginning of…2008. Now that’s loyalty! (Smirk). They consider me such a benefit to their company as a whole that they wanted to drop my bill twenty bucks a month out of the kindness of their hearts. The only thing I could think was, ‘Get out of town! This is too good to be true!!’

Here’s the section of this post where I impart wisdom. It was ‘too good to be true!’ So when you scurry off to haggle with your utility companies (and you really should) be sure to ask what you will be losing when they decrease your bill from XX amount to xx amount. Reason being, that twenty bucks must’ve been what paid for the actual satellite signal to radiate shows into my lovely apartement because I went from 600 channels down to 2 channels. Literally! I used to get 600 and have since been discarded to the five channels & under for the truly loyal customers package. A whopping whole two stations. Shame on me for being so easily convinced that Company X was out for MY best interest. I would definitely encourage you to yak it up with your service providers for better rates and promos to save some pennies! However, just be sure to ask questions and to find out what lowering your bill really means. *Also, don’t pity my outcome. I called said Company X back a week or so after this discovery and I got a very helpful (aka flirty) rep on the line. I now have 600 channels at a fraction of the cost.

See, I told you! Good judgment (aka bartering) really does go a loooong way! Throw in a dash of flirting and you’re GOLDEN! Best of luck to you and don’t worry if you aren’t successful the first go round. If things are really touch & go feel free to crash my pad for some TV surfing, OR better yet, I’ll call on your behalf! For a small fee of course.

How does twenty bucks sound? Reasonable?

Don’t you just love discovering new hot spots? There’s nothing like uncovering a great restaurant/café nearby, and it’s amazing how you can pass through a town day after day and miss the one side street that holds this fantastic nook. You’ve passed it a thousand times over and suddenly you’re calling everyone you know gushing about how clever you are to have found such a place that’s destined for greatness. As if you’re offering their top chef helpful kitchen hints! Forget that you were ‘referred’ by a friend and didn’t actual ‘uncover’ the place in the first place!

Recently, this was a case as my friend and I hit the town with a solo mission: fill our empty stomachs.  We were staaaaarrrrvvvving! Or wait, if my memory serves me correctly it was I who was famished. I couldn’t bring myself to take another step without a morsel of food. If any of you know me, you can attest to the fact that when hunger strikes me, I’m pretty distracted till I get fed. Fed a lot! (Ask Stephy – she’ll vouch for me). I’ve been known to have eyes bigger than my stomach and possibly eat till my insides are crying ‘Owwww,’ and I’m withering around on the floor wincing ‘whyyy?’ You know why! Getting off track here…ok, so we stumbled upon a fantastic little BYOB (love BYOB – hello cheap wine!) restaurant! Though I’d like to give them free advertisement I can’t give out the name of the place. No offense, but if I tell you, you’ll go…then it’ll be bustling and get all overpopulated and the next time I show up there for a relaxing dinner I’ll be accosted by a 45 minute wait. (Look at me – making the bold assumption that I hold that much influence on the masses).

For real though, the food was tasty and not too pricey!! The service was impeccable! The atmosphere…ok, the atmosphere was the lowest and most entertaining portion of said evening. I promise to try my hardest to paint vivid imagery for you of this memorable night on the town.

7:03p.m.: Do you ever find yourself in a public place and you’re pretty sure you’re the ONLY sane person there? Then you wonder how everyone else turned out crazy, and you happen to be the lucky one who made it into this world normal…hmm…its best to not to analyze this too far. Simply put, I know I’m not alone when I say that some of the most ENTERTAINING moments happen in public settings with complete strangers. Take for example the game of people watching. There are times when watching people pass by is more amusing than any form of entertainment that you could possibly pay for. The people watching sport is open for fun anytime, any day, anywhere. (Be discreet though).

Let’s hop back to it.

7:06p.m.: This particular place isn’t in the vastest setting. The tables are kind of close together, which I’m ALL for!  I love talking to strangers. (Till I realize they’re bland). It’s like, “Hi, we don’t know each other, but gosh how is your blind date going? Struggling are you? Can I offer up some talking points?” You can’t beat that kind of interaction!

7:11p.m.: So get this my friend and I were distracted/disturbed/entertained by all that was taking place around us that I’m not sure we spoke more than a handful of words to one another. Such a rarity! Here’s what we were up against…

7:23p.m.: First in line - the old man sitting in the corner. He was adorable. Really. Although next time I think he should leave the vat of wine at home, because he was either really shnockered, or a tad off. Every time someone would laugh, sing happy birthday (it was a popular day to be born, as there were 5 birthday celebrations in occurence), or casually converse near him – he’d get all kinds of excited and talk in very LOUD tones back to them (whether they wanted him to or not). He was also inclined to stand in 10 minute intervals grab his belly and then readjust to applaud at all the diners around him.

7:34p.m.: Next up - behind us was this big Italian family, or maybe they were Greek? I don’t know, but they definitely resembled a scene straight out of MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING. There were 12 adults and like forty-two children, let me re-phrase that, forty-two EXTREMELY loud children. Which is saying a lot coming from someone with my vocals. They too, were celebrating a birthday and their people kept coming by our table every ten minutes or so to offer up slices of Gram’s homemade death by chocolate cake. So sweet! But really? Do you think I am going to dive into cake as you’re yelling ‘death’ by chocolate in my general direction? “Hello! You’re a total stranger! And I am not that trusting!” It’s probably how they roped in all of those kids - Hansel and Gretel style.  

7:42p.m.: Save the best for last. Situated right next to us was this cute but awkward-looking couple. First date, perhaps? Second, maybe? They were seated so close to us that I could smell the dude’s deodorant. (Props to him – he smelled good)! His date was entirely void of a sense of humor which I grasped right off the bat. I was waiting for him to discover this too, but he seemed to be very taken by her…I’m trying to find something that had him all kinds of smitten…got it! It had to have been her hair. That was sadly all she had going for her. At one point, I posed a question to her and this was the response I got,

———————————————————————————————————————-

7:53p.m.: …that’s right, static, white noise, silence, NOTHING. No smirk, no remark, just a blank stare. I swear I could read her mind in that moment. I believe her exact telepathic message went something like this, ‘What? Did you think we were sharing a moment?’ For the remainder of the meal (longest meal of my life), I couldn’t help but overhear their conversation. It was as underwhelming as black clouds on a dreary day.

 7:55p.m.:  Her: “Did I show you the latest of Grizzly?”

                Him: ‘No. You didn’t.’’

                Her: Pulls out Iphone. “Here’s her latest pictures.”

                Him: Gushes ‘Wow. Look at her. That surgery did wonders.’

Fear not. They weren’t talking about a human. They were gushing over 27 so-not-captivating pictures of her cat.

For the next hour I learned all about the pattern of its coat and how it’s U-shaped brow so closely resembled that of actual human eyebrows. (WHAT??). If I ever, am on a date or in a relationship and the best I can do is converse for 30 minutes straight about the colored tiger-look-alike patterned coat on the cat that I don’t have, I ask only one thing - shoot me. OR, have the decency to lightly tap me on the shoulder and suggest a walk for some fresh air to return only once I’ve regained my dignity and/or my personality. 

Are you as amused an uncomfortable as we were? If not, let me know and I’ll have to tell this story from a different angle. 

(*FREE = if that’s an average night for them, I’d suggest that restaurant start implementing an admission fee.)

While I have your attention (if I still have it – fingers crossed XX), there are a few divine dining places I’ve discovered that are worth visiting. In no particular order…

1. Farm to Bistro (BYOB) – Rockaway, NJ – I’ve had a number of their dishes. DELISH!!!

2. Food (BYOB) – Summit, NJ – They changed their menu. Still yummy, but only go here if you’re opting for a burger-kinda-night, or shared appys!

3. Stella G’s – Hackettstown, NJ – The breakfast/lunch is ahhhmazing! I haven’t been for dinner yet, but this place has won with me every time I’ve gone.

Keep in mind people, when playing the game of ‘people watching’ discretion is key. Cheers!

Last week while I was in VA, I made a pit stop in Forever 21. I have mixed feelings about this place. I mean there are times when I find GOBS of cute & inexpensive (can I get a WOOT WOOT?) clothes, and there are other times when I surface empty-handed. Let’s get right down to it. SO last week while in VA Beach I happened to slip into Forever to check out their latest offerings. Let me clarify so that you have an accurate image; this is one of the big ones! There’s about 8 separate sections just littered with merchandise! I made my final selections and waltzed into the final room to hit up the dressing rooms, but I was stopped in my tracks. This particular room had over a hundred rounders of sale merchandise, which were yelling (no, it was more like shouting) out my name. Then I spotted it. This ADORABLE sweater marked at fifteen bucks!! (Holla! What a steal)! Mind you, it was a steep 92 degrees outside + humidity, but come Fall, glorious Fall, I’d be walkin pretty in this find!

I try on about ten items but the decision was clear. It was going to be me and the sweater. I patiently awaited my turn in line, this (WORD FOR WORD) was the conversation that took place between me and the sales associate: (**Sidenote: I love how my shotty memory seems to step up…depending on the situation - of course!).

Me: “Hiya! How’s it going…ok so here’s the thing, I found this precious sweater but, o I don’t know…it might be too big, it’s super cute though. Don’t you think it’s super cute??

Guy: “It’s pretty cute,” he’s totally void of any and all enthusiasm.

Me: “I KNOW. That’s it, you convinced me, I’m going to take it. Final answer.”

Guy: “Great! You know about our return policy right?”

(They always say this. They have the oddest return policy. You’re totally allowed to return anything, but you cannot get a refund. Not ever. You can only exchange).

Me: “Can you remind me? I mean I really really like it, but who knows…a girl could change her mind.”

Guy: “Yah I’m well aware that girls are all about changing their minds.” (*I sensed some underlying bitterness but this was no time for prodding – there was a long-flippin line behind me). “So you can return within XX amount of days for an exchange but there is no refund in monetary form.”

Me: “Yup, got it. Real quick though, I’ve never bought anything here on sale, is it any different? It’s not final sale right? (This part is KEY).

Guy: “Nope, it’s the same.”

Me: “Sweet.”

End scene. We part ways.

Fast-forward 3 days.

Rather quickly it came to my attention that while I am in love with this sweater one of its main ingredients…nix that…I meant, one of it’s main fabrics, I am allergic too. I am allergic to almost nothing. Nothing! But of course I am allergic to what’s in the sweater, and aside from being entirely overwhelmed by blotchiness, itching, and watery eyes…all of those combined issues will leave passers-by too focused on my allergy reaction vs. the object that should capture their attention. The sweater.

Here’s the clincher: 3 days later I pass by a Forever 21, bag in hand to return the sweater. It went a little something like this:

Me: “Hi, I want to swap this (thrusting the sweater on the counter like it’s disease-ridden) for these…”

Chick at register: “No can do. This is marked in red. All red lined items are FINAL SALE.”

(Note: that I am now in a whole other State…Delaware, I believe).

Me: “But…but the guy…the one in Virginia….he…he said….(stuttering some more)…I totally asked him SPECIFICALLY if this was returnable and he said Y-E-S!”

Chick (now giving me a dirty look) at register: “Well hun, (I love when people do that try to butter you up with a pet name when they’re totally delivering news with a ‘tude), I don’t know who HE is, but this is final sale. End of story. Still want to purchase these other things?”

Me: (deflated), “Yes. Thanks.”

Really? I mean, REALLY? So here’s the deal…if I gift you with some lovely sweater in the next few months…don’t assume it’s this one with red ink on the tag. It’s totally not.

Take away: Always get it IN writing people!

I will say this though, high five to the corporate team at Forever; I mean I for one, think it’s grand that in a store of sometimes questionable/hoochy items every single merchandise bag they dole out says John 3:16 (stellar verse) on the bottom of it. That totally evens out the hoochy to saving-the-world ratio.  

Oops, forgot something. I promise I’m almost done….

**It’s come to my attention that so many of my daily circumstances revolve around speeding (i.e. getting pulled over, shopping, annnnnd…yup that’s a fairly accurate summary…I’m think I should broaden my horizons. I’m open to suggestions – please drop them in the box on your way out.

At the State Fair Meadowlands Tomato Fight! (You do not want to miss this event)!

 All right everyone, if you’re in the area and looking for some Saturday fun, tomorrow, June 19, then come to the State Fair Meadowlands Jersey Tomato Fight at Giants Stadium Fairgrounds! That’s right; we’re encouraging this crazy one-of-a-kind food fight to raise money for charity. Come out and bring your crew (friends, family …and anyone else you may have a secret vendetta against) and chuck tomatoes at them!

State Fair Meadowlands will be holding New Jersey’s 1^st Annual State Fair Jersey Tomato Fight tomorrow, at 6 pm. This hour-long, squishy summer extravaganza is open to fairgoers ages 12 and up. Participation is free, but tomato hurlers and spectators will be encouraged to make a $5 donation to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. This event is being sponsored by The Thomas Colace Company of PA and NJ, purveyors of fine fruits and vegetables (many kudos to them)!!

In case you come unprepared don’t fret, goggles will be available for purchase, but it is recommended that all tomato hurlers come dressed for a mess!

I have had a ball working alongside of State Fair Meadowlands again this year and I will be there tomorrow, waiting… for all of you – tomato in hand!

~

State Fair at the Meadowlands Fairgrounds will run daily from June 17 – July 5. This year’s fair will feature six electrifying new shows – Piccadilly Circus, with daring acrobats, hilarious clowns and majestic circus animals; Sea Lion Splash, a splashy and educational summer pleaser with funny, lovable sea lions; a thrilling Aerial Stunt Show featuring the original BATCOPTER from the Batman TV series and movie; Hell on Wheels Trilogy BMX Show; Masters of Illusion & Escape artists Ridgeway and Johnson; and the Puppetone Rockers, a one-of-a-kind  puppet variety show that kids will love. Entertainment to these and other shows is FREE with entry ticket.

The Fair will feature 50 food vendors and over 150 rides and attractions for all ages, as well as bargain ticket days. In addition to this year’s new shows, free nightly entertainment also includes favorites Master Hypnotist Steve Bayner, Racing Pigs, Festival of Magic, and World of Wonder/Palace of Illusion, a real old-fashioned oddities show. The fair will also offer free concerts, and families can relax in the Kid Zone, a grassy area with picnic tables, umbrellas and space for parents and kids to unwind. 

This year’s special events include a visit from the original fully refurbished BATCOPTER, offering rides to daring fairgoers. The Fair will also hold a Record- Breaking Bubble Wrap® Popping event on Sunday, June 27.  Don’t miss the Second Annual Auto and Bike Show on Friday, July 2 from 6 pm to 10 pm, and Saturday, July 3 from 2 pm to 10 pm. Spectacular annual fireworks displays will be held on July 3 and July 4. On July 4^th, the fair will host a Latin Music Extravaganza from 2 pm to 2 am.

Fair hours are as follows: Monday through Thursday, 6:00 p.m. to midnight; Fridays from 6:00 p.m. to 2:00 a.m., Saturdays from 2:00 p.m. to 2:00 a.m., and Sundays from 2:00 p.m. to midnight. Special hours on July 3 and 4 are from 2:00 p.m. to 2:00 a.m. and July 5 from 2 p.m. to 12 a.m. On June 17, opening night, gates open 5 p.m.

Advance tickets for State Fair Meadowlands are on sale now through June 16 and can be bought online at www.njfair.com or by calling 973-450-1073. Special group packages are also available. Check njfair.com for updates on promotions, bargain ticket days and more about this year’s fair.

There’s nothing I love more than being smacked in the face by someone else’s sheer giftedness and sarcastic humor. Truly, it brings me such happiness.

For some people the museum really does it for them. For me, I can draw inspiration from the most random things, in the most random of places. Today, it was found at a local store — TJ Maxx.

It may seem like a small, contrite thing that one shouldn’t brag about, BUT I’m going to! On this day I stumbled upon the coolest decorative table napkins ever!! I quote,

“ONE Martini…

TWO Martini…

THREE Martini…

…FLOOR!!”

Don’t even try it; you know these are captivating words! I mean, who doesn’t wanna get down and hit the floor?! I mean I’ve never even had a Martini (I don’t think), but either way I couldn’t pass these up.  They’ll be gracing my porch table ALL summer long! Feel free to come over and help yourself to one! Actually let’s swap. You bring me a martini and I’ll trade you a cute pink cocktail napkin.

I mean quite honestly I think I may start using this as my quote-on-quote diary. Lucky for me, I have yet to add a “comments” portion into the html of this blog and till I dooo, I can pretty much say anything I please and no one is going to stop me. Any complaints/comments/suggestions can be formally sent by snail mail.

Moving onward…

May 25th

There’s nothing quite like a relaxing vacation – or stay-cation, if you will. Technically, I am on a stay-cation since I’m merely visiting the rents and not on some remote and faraway breathtaking island…ahhh. They do get unbelievable brownie points for living at the beach. O and I’m not talking the Jersey shore either. This friends, is as good as it gets.

While here my mom mentioned it might be high time that I retire my whole “undomesticated goddess” spiel. Yes, I actually sport a magnet on my fridge at home with those two beautiful words. She started drafting a mock up list of our week together and all of the wonderful things it holds in store. I’m feeling a bit shaky. I think I should hold off on reading any further down this lovely list she so graciously drafted. This is as far down as I got (get a load of this)…

1.      Strawberry picking.

I actually don’t have an issue with this. THIS will be fun!

Eeek. She then mentioned that we’ll make our way home to the kitchen with our fresh strawberries to bake pies. Alert alert…I don’t even like pie. (She says my future spouse will appreciate freshly baked pies)……..no comment.

2. Gardening.

I really think this could be interesting. I mean I am all for self-discovery and hidden talents. Who knows? Maybe I have a green thumb! Then I recalled last spring when I helped my sister garden. I tried not to notice that she’d smile and say “looks good” and point me in the direction of the next plant that was awaiting placement in the soil. Each time I’d turn and move on to the next one, my previously planted flower would seem to have moved an inch or two over. I finally caught her in the act adjusting a flower I’d just finished tactfully planting. Um, hello…you asked for my help!

Then I recalled two summers ago when my mom was visiting and she made this snide remark, “I really like what you’ve done with the plants on your deck.” Uh, what plants? I don’t have any plants. “Didn’t you realize last month that I gifted you and your deck with beautiful hydrangeas?” O! There they are! Brown and withered. Right. Smack. In the corner of my deck. My bad.

May 27^th

It’s been two days and due to my overwhelming workload our extracurricular activities have been kept to a bare minimum. Meaning – there’s been limited time for strawberry picking and gardening. I have managed to squeeze in some shopping (shhh – it’s between you & me).

I did decide though to take my mother’s sage advice and incorporate baking/gardening into my life and these are the steps I’ve taken to do just that:

1. I set my sights on Home Depot (p.s. THAT is a blog post in and of itself), and did you know that HD guarantees their plants for a whole year?? A whole year! I mean I could take my chances with ten potted plants, kill all of them, and then bring them back for a FULL refund. Really it makes no sense to me, but when I asked the dude in the orange apron he said, “That’s right miss, alls you need is your receipt and the deceased plant, and we’ll be happy to refund you.” SOLD.

2. I was going to bake. Really I was. I even found myself briefly chanting, I think I can, I think I can. That is until I noticed the box of pumpkin pancake mix at Trader Joe’s. That sort of counts as baking…am I right, or am I right? I made them in record time too! Fifteen minutes flat including prepping and clean-up. For the record, they’re delish! I know they’re more of a big seller in the fall season but frankly I couldn’t resist, and neither should you.

I still have plenty of days left in my trip for the beach and more than enough time for my amazing mother to guide me in at least 2 other areas of domesticated ways and future bliss. For now, here I sit taking in the pumpkin aroma and admiring my lucky bamboo plant — rumor has it these are indestructible. (We’ll see about that).

Who can deny it? Sometimes life’s best surprises come in the form of a stranger. Truly, I’m starting to see a pattern. Often times these shocking surprises come to pass while I’m behind the wheel cruisin! It is during my mini road trips that I’ve come to witness some of the craziest, funniest, and most disturbing instances.

Take for example, a recent excursion to Marshall’s. My mom was in town visiting recently when I received one of the best gifts any stranger could give me – utter comic relief.

It was a sunny afternoon and my mom had pleaded that we make a pit stop at Marshall’s. (No surprise there. Marshall’s is her mother ship; it beckons, and she can’t help but answer the call). Ordinarily, I venture inside with her to scour the racks because luckily, I too, come bearing that “love to shop” gene, but for some reason I wasn’t in a bargain-hunt-kinda-mood. Instead I discarded her at the front door and made my way towards the end of the parking lot to chat it up on the phone. Unbeknownst to me, I was about to experience a whole new level of parking lot entertainment; aka madness.

There I sat innocently gabbing on the phone with one of my best friends when I see this guy walk up behind my car. Instinctively, I locked my doors (no, I was not scared; I was just playing it safe). That’s when it happened, I got the feeling. You know the one. That feeling you get when you feel like someone is watching you? I look over (not because I wanted to check him out), but because this eerie feeling wouldn’t subside. I was surprised to find that my gut check was right, but it wasn’t the dude checking me out, it was his teeth-bearing pit bull in the backseat. Despite the barrier of his car, and my windows, I was slightly unnerved. If I could read animal language I swear he was saying, “Hey blondie! Given the chance I could really do some damage.” Creeeepy.

While Fido taunted me, his master proceeded to roll down all four windows (so much for the barrier of protection), and open the sunroof. “Dandy,” I think to myself, “they’re off on there merry way, and I can sit here in peace.” Wrong, again. Once all the windows are down this dude proceeds to crank up his techno music at a frightening decibel, remove his shirt (unfortunately there was nothing drool-worthy about this act), lights up a cigarette, and exits his vehicular unit with something in hand. GLOW STICKS!

Ask me what happens next? Go ahead, ask.

To my utter amazement he starts to get down in the parking lot to those sick beats. That’s right, in broad daylight in the center of the parking lot while I sat stone still in the driver’s seat, this twenty-something busted out break dance moves directly in front of my car! This carried on for the next fifteen minutes before he got the urge to take a running leap onto the hood of his car. He perched himself there in an Indian style fashion, and made silly faces at Killer through the windshield. As luck would have it he finally gave in and allowed the dog to jump (dance) alongside of him in the parking lot. (I know what you’re thinking, and I PROMISE you that this isn’t a fictional tale! Honestly, I can’t make this stuff up, and if you don’t believe me, call Jordan! I’m sure she’d be totally cool with me passing out her digits).

I have to say, I am not the type to embarrass easily, but for some reason I was mortified for this guy. The next thirty minutes of my life were undeniably awkward while I tried not to make eye contact w/ DJ Smooth, and muffle any and all outbursts of giggles. I was unsucessful in accomplishing this feat. So there I sat, mulling over my options and this is what I concluded. I could either,

A. Hang up the phone with Jordan; make my way down the parking lot while trying to invisibly slink past these two and quickly ducking into the store. Problem: getting eaten alive by his pooch. 

B. How low can you go?? Shrink down in my seat as far as I can possibly go until the nightmare subsided.

C. Exit my vehicle thrusting dollar bills at him while whistling in his direction. You know the rest.

Shockingly, I went with scenario B. Truthfully, I was going to go with scenario C, right before this lady one-upped me by walking past all cheerleader-esque (in her applauses, not in her fashion sense), clapping and gushing about how he’s one of the lucky ones to have such a hidden talent! Why lady? Why would you encourage him??

Oddly enough, I don’t think this guy was trying to impress me, in fact, I’m not sure he ever looked me directly in the eyes. O how I wish he had….directed his magical glow sticks my way. 

Case in point: If you ever need a little pick me up, or some experience to highlight your day, CALL ME! For some reason these people tend to flock in my direction.

Is the grass greener on the other side? Or is it just the angle at which you stand?

I am proud to announce that I have officially tucked this saying under my belt. I liken it to being in a public place feeling all calm and collected when along comes a mother and her loud, countless and peace-altering brood. My first reaction at one time (let’s be honest, last week) would’ve been to kindly suggest to her that her train wreck of a posse is in serious need of some SuperNanny! The point is not that my whole Zen-vibe was disturbed, nor is the point that the mute button is missing from the incessant screeching noise coming from the wide-eyed, sticky fingered toddler. The point is this: you really don’t know what something IS until you’ve experienced it for yourself.

Let’s walk for a minute…

Growing up I had visions of a successful and fulfilling career. I’ve always felt a strong calling in this direction, and I have been lucky enough to have some amazing job experiences with some incredible people, but you know what’s rough? When you lose it! Or maybe you leave it, for what you think are greener pastures on the other side.

WHAT DID I DO?? I left the gated pasture for what I thought was a beckoning rainbow. Now here I sit, watching my dreams floating away on a cloud. I’m standing back grasping at the air knowing full well that the red balloon (I accidentally let go of) isn’t going to come back.

We’ve all been there. You start off in a certain situation or life stage with visions of sunshine and everything going all hunky-dory, until someone pops your red balloon and you’re left stuttering as if they’ve just thrown a bucket of cold water on your face. So. Not. Cool.

I want to offer up all kinds of fluffy encouraging words, but facts are facts people. I left my cushy job at another agency for more green and guess where it’s gotten me? Balloon-less, stressed, over-tired and grasping at thin air — and not for anything, but I’m pretty sure my once-boisterous personality is faltering! Truly for the past ninety days I’ve been slightly bland. I can’t deny that I even put off adding additional blogs out of fear that my lack of pep would make for mild writing. The good news is, I know I speak for many of you that are also feeling under-whelmed in their current or lack-there-of job situation. Lucky for me, and now you, my last boss taught me a very valuable lesson: Put on your big girl panties and don’t cry about it. Ahhh those infamous and now helpful words. It’s true. Sometimes you have to suck it up and keeping fighting the fight. So let’s put it into practice shall we?

Sometimes all we need is a simple reminder hope is just around the bend. Call me clueless, foolish, or a dreamer, but I sincerely believe that we were all put on this earth by God himself to utilize our areas of giftedness. Personally, I am itching to make some noise, throw in a dash of pizzazz, and conquer a thing or twenty!

So this is for you….if you’re feeling a tad lost, or a bit beaten down by your current situation just know that I am right……over……here sharing in your frustrations. Think of me as your own walking greeting card of encouragement! Whatever it is you’re chasing can be caught! That is if you keep fighting, and don’t falter.

I don’t know about you, but I am SO ready to feel free again. I’m going to strip this tracker off my ankle, bust my personality out of sleep mode, and dash off to chase that red balloon – wish me luck!